The psychiatric commandments

“And the psychiatrist spoke all these words, saying: ‘I am the Psychiatrist your God…

ONE: ‘You shall have no other gods before Psychiatry.’

TWO: ‘You shall not make for yourself a real life–any likeness of anything that is normal, or that is in under your own control, or that is in keeping with a meaningful existence.’

THREE: ‘You shall take the medication of the Psychiatrist your God without question.’

FOUR: ‘Remember the Haldol, to keep it handy.’

FIVE: ‘Honor your father and your mother or they may join NAMI.’

SIX: ‘You shall not murder yourself even when it gets unbearable.’

SEVEN: ‘You shall not commit non-compliance.’

EIGHT: ‘You shall not steal even if you cannot afford to buy food with your meager disability benefits.’

NINE: ‘You shall not bear witness to the truth of your experience.’

TEN: ‘You shall not covet your neighbor’s mental health; you shall not covet your neighbor’s job, nor his education, nor his family, nor his health benefits, nor his social support, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.’

comment away!:)

So my editor thinks I am having trouble with the technical aspects of the job. And frankly, well he has given me no instructions on how to do these collations and I have no prior experience doing this, so obviously he has to expect that I will use my own discretion on how to compile it if I am not given clear cut parameters on how to do it. I don't understand why he is surprised by this. If you want something a certain way then you have to instruct me to do it that way. But he basically said, "well just put the comments together and send them to me when you are done." So that's exactly what I did.
 
But on a positive note, he didn't seem upset or anything by what I sent him. So i'm not sure...but whatever, I think everyone just does the best they can.

Grrr...I gotta get rid of my car...It's such a waste. I don't need it and it is likely to get towed if it sits on the street too long. I have nowhere to park it. But I have to move out of my apt by May so I should wait and see where I end up moving to. I really can't afford to have the car. It is way cheaper to take the bus further than I can walk. I can walk pretty much anywhere I want to go though. I like it here. I like living close to everything and walking. It makes me feel alive. Like the urban village feeling. I like it.

In other news, I have 2 depts at the school fighting over me. I am a graduate asst in the psych dept but now the library wants me to be a GA for them. I don't think I can do both, but I do at least want to get my work study award in and the one GA position isn't enough. I need more hours but the limit is 10...grrr....I had an original work study award that was more....I don't understand how this works. It's an honor to be a GA except you end up getting less hours so you get paid less??? Doesn't make sense to me. I need more money not less.

Grrr...

Anyway, I am tired. I have so much work to do for my GA pos. and if I have to choose one I have to decide. Maybe they'll let me do both. That would be nice...more money.

Hmmm...I don't think this test is valid....wait! How can I be avoidant and dependent personality.??....that doesn't make a whole lot of sense....

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	High
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Very High
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Very High
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Low
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Very High
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

Alright, so I went to the community clinic and I was surprised at how well I was treated. I'm not able to get my meds there because they don't have Zoloft, BUT they have a woman who works there that specifically helps you get the patient assistance program from the drug company that lets you get your meds free...for me it's Pfizer. They have already sent me the paperwork in the mail and MHMR just used to take care of it in Tx. So basically I will still be able to get my meds free from the clinic it will just take a while. And they have a discount for the appts so I will only have to pay $15-$25 for an appt. I may try to get nexium too or another med for my heartburn and reflux....it has been bad lately. So they said I could continue to have appts every 3 months or as often as I need...They will write me scripts for like 3 months and then I can get them from Pfizer. So, it will take a while, but I will be able to get it. I just hope I can before my supply runs out. But they said usually within the month they will approve you and you get on it.

Oh and they said they would scan my power of attorney so they would have it in file and so now I have a primary care doc and so they will have all my records there...yea! I feel really good about this. And they scheduled an appt for me for behavioral health counseling so this guy will be able to help me find long term counseling in the community on a sliding scale...So I have an appt with the counselor on Fri.

I finally feel so.... taken care of....

Also, this was the first time I could put "partnered" on the relationship status thing and give his name and contact info for an emergency...it felt like I was taken care of...I used to put his name down for emergency stuff before, but now it just feels like I am less alone...he is my partner and my family...it makes me feel taken care of and safe, for the first time ever. And it was the first time I ever put down that I was sexually abused in childhood on a generic form....and I didn't feel too ashamed about it.

Also, they weighed me, but I chose to ask not to know the number because I knew it would trigger me....since I am on my period and have gained about 3 lbs this last week and my weight hasn't gone down yet...I think today will be the day I will throw my scale out the window! I feel good about my decision not to see my weight even though the nurse was like "That's nothing! I don't know why you would be worried about that number!" It was a little annoying....it's like "because I have an ED!" I only put it on your forms like 10 times....oh well. Some people don't understand EDs. Especially, a lot of docs, nurses and therapists....it makes it hard to recover when they don't understand and make these sort of comments especially therapists...I have to find a therapist who understands EDs...

I am off to the counseling clinic for sexual minorities to see if they will make an appt for me. it is a community low cost clinic that also does meds for psychiatric conditions so I may be able to get everything I need there....so I'm applying for services to see...

Good news.....I went to the library for the interview for work study and they liked me...so I might get to work at the library for 10 hrs a week as well as my GA pos which is 10 hrs as well....So....that will earn me another $400/month which would be good and I would still qualify for food stamps because none of this work, even the GA pos counts as income for food stamps....so according to them my income is a big fat 0. But it does income disqualify me for disability. BUT....I made an apt with the community clinic that works on a sliding scale and I told them I needed an appt for medication management for major depression and PTSD....they asked me a couple of questions and then said they would be able to see me. So I have an appt with a PA there. Also I found out that they also provide sliding scale psychiatric services as well as therapy to sexual minorities through a grant funded clinic if you apply and get accepted as a patient....and the services can be free if your income is low enough and you have no insurance coverage. So I'm applying for that as well since it is psychiatric, which would be better than primary care...and I could get therapy there too...anyway...so things are looking up. And I found a cool coffee shop attached to the LGBT center that has cheap lattes.....score! And the money they make from their lattes goes toward bi/les/trans women's healthcare clinic, including nutritional and depression services... I knew my women liking preference would come in handy someday....:) If I use the lesbian card (even though my current partner is in fact a man) I can get access to all sort of services...but I think my poly lifesyle also fits into the alternatives lifesyle community so I am eligible for these sort of things even if I wasn't into girls...

It's so nice to feel the freedom to not have to conform to societal standards...to know that I can invent my own rules for how I want to live my life....I feel free...even though many lesbians do frown upon my current relationship with a man and it is tough to find a relationship with a woman now because many people don't understand the poly thing. And I decided from the get go I was going to be open and honest with it...I am not going to pretend I am not in a relationship now so anyone I dated would have to be ok with that. It is amazing how many people out there are actually ok with that though....so many people these days are discovering that open relationships, especially when you are younger...may be the way to go to avoid a lot of heartache....

I do not understand how people think that just because my relationship is open that I am not committed to my partner. I am more committed to him than ever....I am really committed to him for life...But being committed to him doesn't mean I can't have  a relationship with a woman too, whether or not we share that woman.... having another relationship doesn't negate the current one, it doesn't make it any less valid or less committed....I never really understood that mindset....then again, I never really understand a lot of things people think...

I wasn't really raised....at all....so I guess in a lot of ways it is easier for me to see that things don't have to be a certain way, just because the majority of people in a society like it that way. I have always just done things the way that worked for me. And marriage just doesn't work for me, but that doesn't mean I don't have love...I certainly do have that. And it is amazing, let me tell you...It has far surpassed all my expectations....

The insomnia continues... I feel a dead weight in my stomach....and a dizziness in my head and a numbness in my extremities....if I pinched myself I still wouldn't believe it was real...I am still awake...what is it going to take for me to sleep again?

My anxiety is through the roof....but I have a plan. That should be my new motto: "I have a plan" sorta like "I have a dream" except my life is just one string of ridiculous experience after another so "I have a plan" just seems more accurate. It's like I want to die, but don't worry "I have a plan",(ok, that one doesn't work as well) I haven't slept in 4 days but it's ok 'cause "I have a plan"...I monsterous goblins want to eat me, but never fear "I have a plan" lol!

But I really do have a plan...I am going to the school library tom to meet with the woman for work study, then off to fin aid to get a copy of my award letter and get some papers signed from the fin aid crew for continued food stamps....then I will call about a PTSD study to see if I qualify.  Then I will make an appt with the doc at the community clinic. Then I will email this therapist I'm thinking about seeing. I figure if I get a "team" in place to manage my mental health needs then maybe I won't fall through the cracks so easily.

School starts Mon...I'm all kinds of excited. I meet with the dean Fri about my GA position. I'm nervous about that...and with any luck my books will come any day now in the mail and my money will get posted online to my account....grrr. I hate banks.

Gotta get up....gotta go see these people I have appts with....I'm buying melotonin today too...

The plan:

to take a shower, put on some clothes, hopefully less dirty ones, eat a bowl of oatmeal with honey and go see this caseworker....then I must go to financial aid to turn in my paperwork and meet the dean...I'm so nervous to meet her...

Wow! That's all I have to say....my life just went from shitty to good like overnight!

I found out today that I got a graduate assistantship for the duration of my MA degree as long as I continue going full-time and they like me:)

I am really surprised....I didn't think I would get it.

AND it pays $13.50/ hr so my financial troubles will be not so crushing.

AND I get to work with the newly appointed dean of the program who specializes in childhood trauma and sexual abuse....being that I am an incest survivor I am just really excited to be able to work for her. And I found out that my classmate didn't get it and she seems really smart so it just is crazy to me that they picked me. I can't believe I will be working for the dean. I feel like I should call her academic goddess or something....:)

I am such a nerd. But I am excited. This will afford me the opportunity to explore my interests, do research and even get published. How cool is that???

Yea! flamingnerd added me as a friend! I have been stalking her journal ever since I came across the first entry:)...lol

And seriously, also I have this thing with my hand....I keep picking at my fingers and nails and biting them and it's like a tic or something. I can't stop. I think maybe it is an extension of my self mutilation. I'm not sure if it is related to my PTSD or what, but I do think maybe I do it when I am anxious. I have to stop before I seriously destroy my fingers and end up with a staph infection or something....

Today was quite dull. Finished my book and am on to the second one "The Neuroscience of Human Relationships" by Cozolino. Very good books. When I get my doctorate I want to do neuroscience research and base my clinical practice on neurobiological principles that pertain to psychotherapy. I am convinced that all the psychotherapy I went through as a child did in fact change my brain, (though if you asked me at the time I would have in fact said it did nothing, but I was a teenager-I didn't believe anything could change anything then)...but I think it changed my brain as much as the medication has. I am extremely sensitive to psychoactive drugs. It took 10 yrs to find one I could tolerate that also worked for me, but I finally did. But is it that this drug works now because my brain was first changed in therapy? I think so. I tried all of these drugs as a child and they made me worse. But now a drug with a very similar MOA as many that made me suicidal just 10 yrs ago, now works wonderfully.

Other than that, I am patiently awaiting the start of my first graduate classes! I am excited, can you tell? I am such a nerd. I got all the books in advance and started reading them. Tomorrow I am going to pick up the course packets with the syllabi. Maybe I should become an educator since I like school so much....

It's Saturday night and I have slept almost all day long.....I have no idea why I have been so tired lately but, it's like I start reading something and I drift off...I did my family genogram today. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it drained the energy out of me and as soon as I was done I fell fast asleep on my new bed that I finally got together (the screws were hard to get in)...I was just exhausted.

I had a really bad body image day today....I just felt all fat and bloated all day. But this evening I finally pulled myself together, put on a nice shirt and went out for a drink....I actually don't feel so bad anymore. It's crazy how something so simple like that can make me feel beautiful again. Well that and I talked to my partner for a while today and he always makes me feel beautiful...

It is actually so much colder than I expected tonight...every night I expect it to be like the same temp as during the day, but up here in the northwest it just doesn't work that way....

I can't wait to start school. It's such an exciting time for me, I am tired of waiting....
 

I recently decided that I am going to apply for this job working with young adults in a transitional living community. It specializes in serving LGBT youth who are at-risk, homeless and street involved and helps them get off the streets. If they move through the program then they are able to secure apts in the system until they are 24. They serve youth as young as 12, but I want to deal with only young adults 18 and older so that I don't have to deal with families and parents....(they scare the shit out of me!) I am good with teenagers and young adults, they like me and I can really relate to this population of kids...so there is a part-time youth counselor position opening in this young adult transitional living facility and I'm applying. Honestly, I am sure someone with more experience and who is older and more qualified will get the job, but it doesn't hurt to apply right? Otherwise, I just do work study on campus, which is what I was going to do anyway....but this pays more...

I was also going to apply to work at the bookstore but I've all the sudden gotten a little anxious about trying to find a job right now in the middle of my housing issue... I hate trying to find a job, I hate trying to explain the gaps in my employment history because of my ED, PTSD and depression, and I hate having to try to explain why I got fired from my last 2 jobs for speaking my mind. It's the Antioch tradition apparently, we are a bunch of misfits who question authority as a way of life and decided to form our own school, basically. But unfortunately, it doesn't get us too far in retail entry level jobs where everything is slave labor and don't speak unless you are spoken to bullshit. So I have boycotted working in retail for huge ass companies and it is really hard to find a job in the smaller independent businesses because nobody wants to work for the big ass companies....So work study is my best bet, if I want to stay sane while I am going to school. But I should make the transition back to the healthcare industry. My favorite job was a tech at the nursing home and that wasn't even all that glamorous or great, but at least I wasn't treated like shit. But I also don't want to get dragged into a job that will require way more hours than I can handle. 20 hrs/wk while I am in school full-time is my max. I really don't even think I should be doing that. If I get the graduate assistantship I will just do that, it is 10 hrs/wk. Otherwise I will find a mundane job that doesn't require much effort /time outside of school.

That's another thing I don't know if I have written about in this journal....I have a learning disability, albeit mild, it takes me twice as long as everybody else to read,process and comprehend material and directions for assignments. It has been a source of frustration for me all my life. Even though I tested LD when I was just a kid and kept testing that way even as an adult, it is still unclear whether my learning difficulties have something to do with my abuse, PTSD and mental health issues...nonetheless, the result is, even when I am not depressed, that I have sometimes a very hard time grasping academic concepts. it has been a source of negative self esteem for me ever since I was a kid and it led to a lot of my behavioral problems growing up because I was ashamed.

The more I read about neuroscience and the changes that abuse and neglect can have on the developing brain, the more I think that my learning and memory difficulties were, in fact, due to my abuse and how it changed my brain at a young age. So I started behind, but over the years I worked hard and objective measurements and test scores that generally remain relatively unchanged in most people, changed a significant amount for me. I tested pretty severely LD when I was 9 and by the time I was 18 I barely was able to qualify for LD services anymore. I am proud of how hard I worked over the years, but I do also think that it wasn't just the hard work I put into school, it was also the hundreds of hours of psychotherapy that changed my brain. That is a lot of why I want to be a therapist and more specifically a neuropsychologist. Neuropsychiatry and psychology is a relatively new discipline in mental health but I think it is a necessary one because it bridges the gap between science and mental health. It only makes sense to me especially in the case of trauma related issues that therapists would need to know how the brain works and it's vital functions such as attention and memory, in order to properly treat the client. I am reading a fantastic book on the subject called "The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy" by Cozolino. I really recommend it to anyone interested in the subject.

But anyway, back to the LD thing...the point I was trying to make is that I have never been able to handle as much outside stuff with my coursework as my peers. If they can work 20hrs/wk and take a full load and not be stressed at all and not lose sleep studying and still make good grades, I could only do 10 or 15 hrs before I hit my limit. What this means for me: more barriers to financial stability while I am in school. But I think I will manage. I got this far right?

I am excited about my classes. I am taking  Family of Origin Systems, Systems Perspectives in Family Therapy, and Counseling and Communication Skills. The two family courses are the only two family ones I have to take in my program and they come first. I am glad because I am far less interested in dealing with families and far more interested in dealing with individual adolescents and adults. Little kids scare me, even though I love my sister to death and took care of her when she was young, I found I didn't particularly like other children. And I don't like dealing with parents and children and honestly don't think I would be the best person to do that seeing as I will never be a parent myself. What I like about my program is that I get a lot of different perspectives, not just the family from the perspective of a mom and dad and 2.5 kids. I get to study family in terms of same- sex relationships, poly relationships, foster parenting, communal living and all sorts of alternative families. Since I am a big fan of alternatives to marriage I really like this approach.

Also there is volunteer crisis counselor training available with the mental health crisis line here. I can do counseling over the phone, in person, follow-ups and case management training which scares the shit out of me but at the same time I feel like it could be a really good experience for me to partake in. I think after my masters I want to focus more on neuropsych and clinical type stuff but the counseling psych is a good place to start and where most psych students start out at the masters level. Then I can transfer to a doctoral program. I am excited about this new educational process, but also terrified. I am not quite sure how it will turn out.

So....the landlord came back and said that both my future roomy and I need co-signers which we knew would be a possibility since we are young and don't have as much credit history. But then they said that the company doesn't accept out of state co-signers which is a major problem because neither of us know anyone in state. His parents live in Portland. So basically we are going to try and see if we can sublet. The people we are taking over the lease for are fine letting us sublet, but I don't know if we would be able to. Or the other option is that we can pay double the deposit and not have a cosigner. The deposit is going to be 550 which I can afford when my loans come in. So double that is 1100 for me to have my own lease. I don't think I will be able to come up with 1100 in one lump sum, so I am looking for other places to live come Oct 1st...

The good news is that I found a spot open in an intentional living community that I think would be a good fit for me. I sent them an email and I should be able to sit down and have dinner with them maybe next Mon evening. So that might be an option. And it is much cheaper....so we'll see...

grrr....this is turning out to be a headache and a half.

Oh and someone stole the back wheel off my bike and left me a crappy wheel instead. :(

Ok so it is like 1am and I can't sleep. My mind is racing. I am looking into furniture for my room and then I came across the "free" section on craigslist. OMG, people are giving away free couches and beds and desks and chairs and just about anything, even dirt and a coffee maker. lol Now all the stuff on the sidewalk finally makes sense.

So I am looking for a loft for my full size mattress so I can make more room in my room. And I found a guy on craigslist giving his away for free, but it has to be a full size one cause that is the mattress I have and eventually my partner will come and sleep with me and we can't both fit on a twin. He's a bigger guy and he snores. So we need room. So it has to be at least a full. I thought about a futon too that I could convert into a couch during the day....that would work too... Anyway there is a whole lot of stuff on craigslist.

And I decided I will go surfing around Seattle in my car for free furniture tomorrow.  These people are leaving them on street corners. lol Or maybe I will check out Freemont or U-Dist. I still haven't ventured out of Cappy Hill or downtown.

I am so tired....maybe I should get some sleep.

Hey guys. I just wanted to write to update everyone. I am finally moved into my new home. It is really awesome.

There is a grocery store right down the street from where I live and I even went and got some(albeit limited) groceries. I am having a rough time with food. I think it is the break up from my routine and being away from everyone I love. I have been in vacation mode for the last 2 weeks but I just dropped my friend off at the airport this morning so now I truly am alone in a big city. I like it. But I also have been very sad. I start grad school fairly shortly so I think that will distract me more. I really have a lot to do to get myself settled and approved for health care. It all seems overwhelming sometimes. And I have lost a couple of pounds as of late, but nothing I can't bounce back from. I have been eating really well considering...I just also have gotten a shit load of exercise.

Anyway. I will post pics and write more later.

Things are going better today. I was finally able to get in touch with the manager who just said I had to fill out some paper work so I worried for nothing really.(surprise, surprise). I just hate things being unfinished ya know? Tonight I am going to see a burlesque show. It should be fun. My friend is here with me for another few days and then he is going back home. I am really happy that I have gotten some things more settled. I am still afraid of relapsing, but I feel like I am doing well right now.

Anyway, I gotta go right now. We are going to check out the UW area.

I'll write more later.

I am so confused...I think I have to go in in person to DSHS because I just read that student loans and financial aid doesn't count as income but I put it down as income. I have to figure out how to pay rent for my apt first then I guess I will worry about going to talk to DSHS because the savings I have now has to go to rent so after I pay it then that will be a true reflection of the money I actually have. I think I will be ok with food, but I do need to find out about medical stuff. I have this checklist of things I have to send in and it is overwhelming me. I have a copy/printer but I can't find the USB cable so I can't print...so I need to go out and get another one. Then I need to print out the forms and or copy things, then I need to fill it out and mail them in. Then I guess I wait to hear back from basic health.

It doesn't sound so hard writing it down, but right now it is overwhelming me for some reason...

I guess I need to eat. I haven't eaten yet.

Ok that's what I will do.

Well I have so many changes in my life right now I have no idea where to start...I have moved. There were many surprises on my way. I had a roof carrier that was 10 years old break from the heavy wind in Nevada and all my stuff was scattered on the side of the road. I had my tire start leaking again on my way to Oregon...I had issues moving into my apt. They were about to tow my car! The manager never knew I was moving in because the landlord didn't communicate with him about it and so even though I had the keys to move in he was about to tow my car....Then he said he had no idea if I would be able to sign a new lease in Oct. because he said I wasn't approved yet. And he acted as though he had no idea any of this was taking place even though the woman who moved out, who I am taking over the lease for communicated with him about it several months in advance...So I am here till Sept 1st and I can pay for Oct but I don't know if he will let me live here...so I might be homeless in Sept...I am worried about that...

I've been homeless before. It really sucks to not have a place to sleep. To not know if you will be safe at night. To wonder how you will get food....For the longest time I never worried about food. Now I do. I know I need it to stay healthy. I am still underweight. I am scared of having to get my tube back. Terrified really. I have no idea what is going to happen to me if I can't get food. I am just so anxious right now. And I miss my partner so much....I want to hold him. I want to feel safe in his arms. But he is not here. He can't be here. It is so hard for me. I cried my first night here. Not because I don't like the city, I do. But because I miss him and my routine. I hated being so boring when I was in my routine, but now I crave that structure. I feel like I need control. I need to know exactly what will happen, how things will turn out.

I feel so alone. I'm scared I won't make it. I mean I have moved before and I have made it I have done ok. But I still worry. I just can't deal with what I had to deal with before. The hospitals, the tubes shoved in every imaginable place in my body, the therapists,the people judging me...the reactions of the people I thought were my friends...I can't go back there and I know I have to eat. But I am not hungry and I don't want to eat. I hate that. I am forcing myself. I know I have to. But it is hard. And I have no idea what will happen when my friend leaves.

Wow! This has been an amazing trip! I started out in Austin Texas and am now on the southern coast of Oregon. I have so many pictures to share with you all. I will post soon as well as all of my various adventures on my trip. Stay tuned for more info.:)

Countdown to moving! 24 hrs from now I will be in my car on my way to Seattle! I can hardly wait. I have said all my goodbyes and packed up my car. I have to go by the clinic and get my meds before I leave and I am ready. I can hardly believe it.